"It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply." - A.W. Tozer, The Root of the Righteous.

I've often heard pastors quote this. They often seem to use it to convey the idea that we should endure whatever inconveniences, hurt, or discipline they put on us. While the Holy Spirit certainly puts us through refinement processes and discipline may be necessary, some pastors have unfortunately used this mindset as an excuse to manipulate, control, and emotionally abuse those they should be patiently encouraging. Patience is one of the fruit of the Spirit along with love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

However, just before the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5, Paul lists the actions resulting from selfish motives. They include sexual immorality, moral corruption, doing whatever feels good, idolatry, drug use and casting spells, hate, fighting, obsession, losing your temper, competitive opposition, conflict, selfishness, group rivalry, jealousy, drunkenness, partying, and the like. Sometimes the actions of pastors that use this quote by Tozer fit this list better. They are competitive which encourages group rivalry, stir up conflict because of their selfishness, and all this leads to both jealousy and hate. In the end, they are the ones that are hurting people deeply. While God may use this hurt for good, it was never his desire for people to treat each other like this.

Jesus is an amazing example of patiently working with those that seek to improve. He had such compassion for people that were struggling. However, there was one type of person that he wasn't afraid to reprimand. This was the religious leaders that had selfish motives. They weren't willing to change their hearts and minds and follow Christ. With everyone else, Jesus was the gentle shepherd.


In today's church, it can sometimes feel like the shepherds are trying to slaughter the lambs instead of caring for them. In such a rush to grow as big as fast as they can and compete with all the other churches around them, these pastors lack the patience to truly disciple people. They are more interested in discipline than discipleship. The former gives them control while the latter lets go to allow the Holy Spirit to guide the process.

So you might ask, how can I know if I'm being discipled? And what should I do if I'm not?

God can use many different situations, but in the end, a good pastor will encourage you instead of tearing you down and leaving you emotionally vulnerable. In order to do that, the pastor will have to be vulnerable themselves and willing to admit when they're wrong. The good shepherd always protects the sheep, even if it means risking their own lives. As such, a good pastor is willing to look less than perfect if it means doing the right thing. Therefore, you'll know someone is discipling you well if they encourage you in such a way that you will take bigger risks to allow God to develop you because you know they will continue to encourage and root for you, even if you fail. It's almost as if you can't fail! Instead, there's peace that comes in securely knowing that God is using those around you in order that you all might work together for his will!

This makes me think of how I once had a voice teacher who taught me to sing amazingly well, at least when I was standing in front of her. She gave me the right tools and exercise. Then she just kept encouraging me and as I sang, she gave me such positive expressions that I was doing well that it boosted my confidence and I actually sang better! A good pastor will do this. Sure, she still gave me corrective notes. I needed those. But they never felt like she was trying to tear me down. I was more open to hearing them as well since I knew she believed in me. I had nothing to prove and nothing to lose. A good pastor will stick with people even when they're struggling.

Now, what should you do if you're not in an encouraging situation? Well, first, always pray! Listen for the Holy Spirit to guide you and search the word! God will use it with the Spirit to guide you. Then get wise counsel from a few safe people. It's helpful to talk to people that can understand what you're experiencing. It's great to see a Christian therapist and listen to their wisdom. After all this, discern what God is telling you to do. Sometimes he needs you to set up boundaries and stay where you are for what he needs to do, but other times, he will call you out and help you find a healthier situation.

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